Honestly

I stood there with the world spinning wildly thinking, "oh God, 9 years is a hell of a long time, I wish I could just wake up and this nightmare called life would be over"... Have you ever felt like that?
I'm not entirely sure that going to the funeral today was the smartest idea!
I kinda survived the service, and I'm so very very thankful to Ps. John for insisting that the burial service for Exavier was first... Seeing a coffin in church was something new to me, and not altogether pleasant! Then there was the slow driving from the church to the cemetery - it seemed to take forever! Then, as Ps. Graeme said, we were at the hardest bit. I thought I'd be ok. I was so so wrong. Memories flooded back, like a tidal wave. I was no longer at Patties funeral, but Exaviers. Just when you think you're done grieving, you get whacked in the back of the head... I had Onjahlíka with me. She was quiet, calm, not excited or running around like normal. I guess she could sense the mood. I'm not sure how I am. Actually, I feel like I'm in shock, the way I was just before Exaviers funeral.
I don't think I'll be able to go to another funeral. And I think I'll avoid my own!
I was standing away from everyone, thinking, "oh how I need the support of Gav", God spoke up and said 'I had Him. He understood.' I had gone to this funeral to support Jim and everyone of my friends who knew Pattie better than I did. I didn't go there to re-enter the grieving process for Exavier. Yet that is exactly what happened. It was like I was transported back in time. All the while with the feel of a comforting hand on my back (no-one was with me, so it could have only been God or an angel).
Gav told me once that he wasn't sure if he could even go to his own parents funeral. I totally get that! I'm not sure if I could even turn up at my own whenever that may happen! Although, having the advantage of being dead may help there! As for anyone else, not so sure. I'm certainly not willing to put my emotions to the test, so please, everyone that I know - don't die while I'm still alive! Funerals are not fun places, and as Graeme said, it hurts. But that is an extreme understatement! Even "it bloody hurts" doesn't cover it!
We are eternal beings wrapped in mortal carcasses! That is why death is so painful and scary. As Christians, we have hope. How does everyone else cope?
At Exaviers funeral, I told someone that if it wasn't for Jesus/God/Holy Spirit, there'd be two coffins, not one! I still stand by that! Even now, I feel that there is peace amidst the pain! Only God can do that!
I feel for Jim. Married just shy of his 52nd wedding anniversary. I don't know his pain. I could never know the pain of loosing your wife (that one is kinda impossible, I'm not about to marry a woman any time soon!)!
All I can do is continue to pray that God continues to comfort the family! As He has, and continues to comfort me.