After funeral thoughts...

Why is it that funerals have a way of transporting me back in time? I've only ever been in close proximity to 2 white coffins, one was today and the other was Exaviers.

This transportation happened at a different funeral too. At the burial service. There I was at the Glen Innes cemetary, yet I felt like I was back on that day, watchimg Exavier be lowered into the ground.

Have I not dealt with this grief thing? Am I holding onto something? Why does this come up? I got frustrated with myself for not keeping it together, for stumbling whilst reading a scripture. I thought I was stronger than that.

So much for being a comfort to those who are hurting. How do I put my crap aside and actually be there for others? After so many years I feel like some wounds have not been closed.

I thought it had been dealt with, that chapter closed. Tucked away for safe keeping. But no, it seems like it is wide open and at every funeral I attend, at some point in time I am left to "revisit" Evaviers funeral. I wish I could keep it all separate, but no. It seems that that is simply not possible. Am I forever going to be stuck in this place? Because my plea for people to not die seems to be ignored periodically. And at times I simply can not refuse to go to the funeral.

I don't like to remember the pain of that moment. As if it's not enough to know everyday that there should be more than one child gracing my home!

How do I remain in control of my emotions when others are in need of comfort? I cant just run away and hide. Though, I wish I could.

May Gods blessings shower down upon you. And may you be coated in the dust of your Rabbi!

Australian Watcher On The Wall
http://australianwatcheronthewall.blogspot.com.au

I hate funerals

I hate funerals!
Why do people feel the need to die?
And what part of life is death?

I used to think that funerals were solemn occasions for quiet reflection,  to offer support to the family and friends left behind.

But then I had to bury my own daughter. First born, of a single mother. And discovered that funerals are not solemn occasions,  for quiet reflection. In reality, they are a hellish reminder that the nightmare can not be woken up from, that the anguish is actually real, and that a life has ended.

Words can not describe the pain, sleep fails to appear, and time drags on agonisingly slowly. The world drifts by in a haze. And some expect you to be over it in 6 moths.

When we "quietly reflect", upon what are we reflecting? Ourselves or the one who has died?

Is the funeral about the one who died, or is it about our loss?

We say some words, sing some songs, tell the person things we should have told them before they died, put them in the ground. Then what? Life goes on! It doesn't stop for mourners. Work eventually wants us back, people drift away,  the planet continues to spin, one day drifts wearily into the next.

Can we really say that God is good? If we are brutally honest, do we really believe that God is good? What if we prayed for healing? Is God still good because the person died? Or do we inwardly and secretly believe that God is a load of crap because our loved one died?

What if?
Why?
Will the answers to these questions make life more livable?

I hate funerals because they impose reality on us in a harsh and painful manner.

Every funeral I went to prior to my daughters was "a walk in the park", because there was no pain attached to it. No feeling of loss, just a vague sense of discomfort from those closest to the deceased. But then after the funeral of my daughter, every funeral takes me back to that one. That one earth shattering moment of realisation that she is gone.

Funerals are a painful reminder of the frailty amd fragility of human life. They are also the reminder that for another family and set of close friends that the nightmare and anguish are real, and there is no waking up.

May Gods blessings shower down upon you. And may you be coated in the dust of your Rabbi!

Australian Watcher On The Wall
http://australianwatcheronthewall.blogspot.com.au