Why is it that funerals have a way of transporting me back in time? I've only ever been in close proximity to 2 white coffins, one was today and the other was Exaviers.
This transportation happened at a different funeral too. At the burial service. There I was at the Glen Innes cemetary, yet I felt like I was back on that day, watchimg Exavier be lowered into the ground.
Have I not dealt with this grief thing? Am I holding onto something? Why does this come up? I got frustrated with myself for not keeping it together, for stumbling whilst reading a scripture. I thought I was stronger than that.
So much for being a comfort to those who are hurting. How do I put my crap aside and actually be there for others? After so many years I feel like some wounds have not been closed.
I thought it had been dealt with, that chapter closed. Tucked away for safe keeping. But no, it seems like it is wide open and at every funeral I attend, at some point in time I am left to "revisit" Evaviers funeral. I wish I could keep it all separate, but no. It seems that that is simply not possible. Am I forever going to be stuck in this place? Because my plea for people to not die seems to be ignored periodically. And at times I simply can not refuse to go to the funeral.
I don't like to remember the pain of that moment. As if it's not enough to know everyday that there should be more than one child gracing my home!
How do I remain in control of my emotions when others are in need of comfort? I cant just run away and hide. Though, I wish I could.
May Gods blessings shower down upon you. And may you be coated in the dust of your Rabbi!
Australian Watcher On The Wall
http://australianwatcheronthewall.blogspot.com.au
1 comment:
Trish, this is just my opinion, so take it or leave it as you feel. Losing a child is a hugely traumatic event, probably one of the most traumatic things a person could experience. And I don't think you ever stop grieving. A friend who lost her baby daughter 40 years ago still cries occassionally for her little girl, she says that time and life goes on, but the emptiness, the ache is still there, you just learn to function with it (and she is Christian, she knows she will see her daughter again, but the pain in this world is still real). You say you thought you were stronger than 'that' (being emotional at a funeral for a friend),and you should have been able to control your emotions so you can comfort others. Maybe crying with them (them with their loss, you with yours) is still a comfort to them - they know they are not alone in their pain and grief. You are not weak, you are not out of control, you are human. And we have these overwhelming emotions at times, especially when something triggers past hurt. If you ever want some info on trauma and how the brain deals with it practically and emotionally, I am happy to send stuff for you to read. But please don't think yourself weak and out of control because you cried at the loss of a friend, and the loss of Exavier,sometimes crying with someone as they grieve can be a very healing thing for both of you. And I am sad to hear of the loss of your friend Mary, I know she meant a lot to you. We'll be keeping you in our prayers... xx
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