The path I've walked is a hard one. And now I've been asked by a specific being to change direction and walk a different path. The question is ... how?
Hope deffered makes the heart sick.
7 years. Hope deffered for 7 years. What does that do to a soul? And then to be asked to start hoping again.
I've buried one child and mourned the loss of a second. Yet, of all that turmoil, the emotional upheaval and pain. This new learning is the hardest.
How does one go from no hope, loosing hope, and frequent disappointments to having hope. Having expectation of good. How does one truely believe that the plans set before them are for their own good, to not harm?
And I still say that in all honesty, I really don't know if I can walk that road. After a while, you sorta start to expect to be disappointed. You eventually tune out to that pain. You shut off that part of life. Close the door and walk away. But now, to stand at that door, with hand on the knob, sanity screams "don't go there, don't enter the chaos". The heart whispers that I must. The emotions say I can't, I lack the strength and the courage. And the voice, a small bearly audible whisper, says come with Me.
How will I know when I've got where I'm going? How many boxes of tissues will I need along the way?
I can hardly walk this path. I keep tripping over hurts, pain and disappointments, not to mention I can't see through the tears. I feel weak, shaky and downright scared of yet another disappointment.
Why so long? Why wait so long to decide to walk this road? The pain would have been less if it had been earlier! I feel stuck, with hand on the door knob. Stuck is not moving. Stuck is glued. Stuck is paralysed. Yet, I can see now, when I look back, this road was coming. This path was coming. I just didn't see it, or want to see it. I aided in its delay. My actions, my decisions aided in the pile up of pain. And now, what on earth do I do with it?
God, I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to hope. What is the difference between hope and wishful thinking? What does hope look like? What does hope feel like? How will I know when I find it? And what do I do with this pain? What do I do with these disappointments? God, You known what I've wanted, I've told You again, and again, and again. So often I can't remember. All those tears, everything. It's all piled here, because I didn't know what to to with it. I don't want any more disappointments. That is why its so hard to go here. Its been easier to simply say, no I wont go there, I wont do that because that action leads to pain.
But then I went there, and You, You caused a stirring. A churning of the water. And I was shoved in because, well, I don't know why. But You do. You've wanted me to walk this path. And I kept refusing, because it's too painful. So You, You orchestrated a meeting, a divine intervention. Because I need to go there, but I lack the strength and courage. And with one small breath, the door knob is no longer in my hand, the door is no longer closed, and the chaos is exposed to the light. And all I can do is stand and stare. And in the pile is shattered dreams, shattered desires. From not one but two little lives. Desires piles up. Well, actually the same desire, in duplicate a thousand times over. That one prayer that I've asked for. It's all there. Present and accounted for.
My nose hurts from blowing it so much. Can I have a break from crying? I need to sit down, oh, that's right, I am sitting.
I watch as that small whisper brings order to the chaos. It's not so hard to look in this room now. But the learning has begun. In earnest. I need to learn to trust, to hope, to dream. And I need to go shopping to buy some more tissues!
May Gods blessings shower down upon you. And may you be coated in the dust of your Rabbi!
Australian Watcher On The Wall
http://australianwatcheronthewall.blogspot.com.au
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